Not Okay
by AnonymousW
Summary: Several months after Donna leaving Harvey, both of them seem to be doing just fine. Or so they thought. Set in season 5


Harvey had come a long way since Donna had left him. His panic attacks were under control, he had Gretchen to help him with his secretarial work, and he was back to kicking-ass as New York City's best closer. He had even managed to keep out of Louis' way for a while now, and was back to sleeping with every woman who caught his attention.

He had come a long way since, but he still missed her sometimes; when it was late at night and he was sipping his whiskey alone in his office, when he felt lost and needed someone to straighten up his thoughts, and even when he just…missed her.

Before the whole Liberty Rail incident, Harvey never thought he could be more in control of his feelings then at the time, up until now. He had developed this numbness, this ability to block out everything that could potentially harm him. After dealing with Donna's loss and hurting for months, he had recovered. He was now unfazed, unshaken by anything. Or so he thought.

Donna never thought she would ever be working in this firm for someone other than Harvey. But it had happened, hell, she had made it happen, and she was happy. _Ok, happy is too big a word_ , she would think when trying to assess herself. She was doing fine, her work for Louis concise and limited, nothing like what used to be her work with Harvey. But that left time for her to live a little, basically dating, which she has been doing lately, a lot. She rarely went on two consecutive dates with the same person, all falling too short on her 'bearable' scale.

She appreciated the change, feeling more in control of her life than ever, but she still missed him sometimes; when she saw Louis drinking his prunie instead of a good old Macallan, when she compared how much her date's attempt to gloat sucked in comparison to Harvey's, and even when she just…missed him.

But she reminded herself frequently of what her grandpa used to tell her: "One of the most rewarding moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can't change". And she had; she had let go, her attempts to fix Harvey's lack of emotional intelligence proven not to be enough. She felt strong, rewarded, and she knew she was ready to find herself outside of Harvey's world. Or so she thought.

They had fallen into a new type of relationship, if one could call it relationship at all; distant, formal, civilized. Some could argue it was a step forward, letting go of all the pain and be polite with each other. And most days, they would both agree it was the right way to behave, but it didn't feel right; it didn't feel like **them**. So on the few occasions where they ran into each other, Donna struggled to keep herself from fixing his tie, her hands rising slightly before grasping the thin air and he refrained from checking her out like he used to. They just smiled politely at each other, making small talk from time to time. Maybe there wasn't a 'them' anymore.

He was out on a date with a sexy blonde model when he caught sight of auburn hair, a few tables away, some guy blocking the entire view. He ignored it, wishing the woman he was with was slightly more interesting, enough to distract him from his thoughts. It wasn't her, he thought, drinking from his whiskey glass, stopping himself from looking again.

She recognized the button on the sleeve of a suit, a few tables away. She thought it couldn't be him, what were the odds of being in the same restaurant? New York was a big city. But then she caught a glimpse of the suit itself, followed by a glass of what looked like a Macallan 18, confirming all her doubts. She had ordered him that button from Milano after unintentionally dispatching the original one a few months back.

Her date, Robert, seemed to notice her agitation.

"Everything ok?" he asked softly.

"Yeah" she said, forcing a smile, her head turning back to listen to him. He was a nice man, very handsome, but lacked the ambition and virility she loved.

Harvey saw freckles. It was her, he was almost certain. Despite the voice screaming in his head not to, he decided to check for himself, by pretending to go to the bathroom. He had had enough of that girl's voice anyway. The bathroom stood midway between the two tables, so he would be able to make sure it wasn't her.

Their eyes met as soon as he stood up, both of them surprised to see the other one here. Harvey panicked for a few seconds, unsure whether to say hello or not. His legs took him straight to the bathroom, where he found himself staring at his reflection, breathing a little bit heavier than earlier. He reminded himself he was on top of the world, deciding he would politely greet them before heading back to his table.

He walked confidently to her table, noting the very low V-cut emerald dress exposing the freckles on her breasts, trying hard not to stare too long.

"Hello there" he said awkwardly.

"Hello Harvey" she mimicked, as they look at each other for a few seconds, Robert observing the interaction back and forth between them.

"Harvey Specter" he said confidently, extending his hand to the man seated in front of Donna. He looked at him for the first time then, noting that he wasn't bad in the looks department.

Donna hated when he did that, introduce himself like a smug son of a bitch. He always did it, intimidating whoever was present.

"Robert Carlson" he said, shaking Harvey's hand.

"Enjoying yourself?" Harvey asked then, as they both nodded, Donna flashing a smile to Robert the first time that evening.

"Where do you know each other from?" Robert asked casually.

"Harvey was my former boss. He's a named partner at the firm I work at" she anticipated, before Harvey said something wrong.

"Yep, former boss" Harvey repeated, emptiness in his voice.

"Ah Specter from Pearson Specter Litt" Robert said, catching on to late.

 _Retard,_ Harvey thought.

"You got a little something here" Donna told Robert, leaning in and caressing her finger next to Robert's mouth, who seemed surprised by her move.

Whatever Harvey thought he was in control of started resurfacing. He remembered the way her skin felt on his face after he beat the shit out of Stephen Huntley for her, before shaking off the image from his head.

He mustered a fake smile when her eyes caught his, before excusing himself.

"I can't keep my date waiting too long, you should come meet her before you leave" he said, meaning that only for Donna.

"I'll make sure I do" she replied with the same coldness. The tension could have been cut by a knife.

The table between them had cleared, leaving a clear path between them. As soon as Harvey sat down, he grabbed his date's face and kissed her, shutting her up. The move didn't go unseen by Donna, which was in essence, the purpose of his kiss.

Harvey regretted his decision when his date practically threw herself at him after it, her hand annoyingly caressing his hair as he tried to escape her touch. He also realized he could have started a back-and-forth set of motions between him and Donna, wishing deep down she wouldn't continue it. It didn't help that her hand went to Robert's, in a move that seemed much more affectionate that any kiss. Her eyes were genuinely smiling, or at least he thought so, as he tried to wonder how long she had been seeing this Robert guy.

"Are you going to eat that?" Harvey asked his date, motioning to the desert sitting in front of her, untouched.

"No, I can't eat that" she answered with her perky voice.

"What can you eat?" he asked her then, sarcasm dripping from his mouth.

"Fruits" she said, "and not all kinds…" she started explaining again, his mind drifting to ten years ago.

* * *

 _Donna reached for his plate, after having finished hers._

" _Donna! This is my desert" he nagged._

" _Oh don't be such a wuss" she said, diving her spoon in his ice cream._

" _What did you just say to me?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow._

" _Do you really want me to repeat that?" she asked, unapologetically putting the spoon in her mouth._

" _Touché" he said with a smile._

" _But you've already eaten your desert" he teased her._

" _So?" she said, flashing him her smile._

* * *

Harvey's date was spiraling out of control, seemingly turned on by his complete lack of interest. She grabbed his tie, pulling him to her, her lips crashing down on his.

This was Donna's cue to leave, unable to take more of Harvey's childish games.

"Let's go" she said warmly to Robert, after he paid the bill.

They stood up, Robert grabbed Donna's coat, helping her into it. Harvey watched the whole thing, taking in how beautiful she looked. Robert left a small peck on Donna's lips, as she slipped her hand into his, walking towards where Harvey sat.

"Hi" she said, as Harvey's date looked at her with confusion.

"Donna this is S-" he started, hesitant to finish the name. He wasn't even sure of her name.

"Sophie" the girl continued, smiling innocently at Donna.

"What a shocker, you can't keep girls' name straight in your head" she recited, her voice however blank.

He wanted to smile, because for the first in a long time, it could've felt like them, like nothing had changed. But he felt the void in her tone, the void in who they were, what they've become.

"Just yours Debbie" he said with a ghost of a smile on his face.

Both Robert and Sophie had no idea what was going on.

"Enjoy your night" Donna added, as Robert asked her: "Where to?"

"Your place" she said, the words ringing into Harvey's ears.

He watched them go hand in hand before he ordered the bill.

"Let's go to my place" he said, walking out of the restaurant.

Donna thought about how Harvey's hands had affectionately traced every curve of her body that other time, now that Robert's hands clumsily removed her dress.

Harvey thought about how naturally delicious Donna tasted that other time, now that he tasted beauty creams and synthetics from Sophie's skin.

Donna had to guide Robert's mouth on her neck, to lead him to her favorite spot, when Harvey just knew that other time. She moaned anyway.

Harvey couldn't care less how he entered Sophie, when all he did that other time was ask Donna if she was okay. He groans anyway.

They closed their eyes. Suddenly Robert's skin felt softer, the resemblance striking that of Harvey's. Suddenly Sophie's hair seemed auburn, her lips of the taste from that memory buried in his head. She bit her tongue to keep herself from screaming out Harvey's name. He bit Sophie's shoulder to suppress the reverberating letters of her name in his throat.

She leaves Robert's place when he's sound asleep.

He tells Sophie to leave before she's sound asleep.

Maybe they weren't ok after all.

* * *

I cannot wake up in the morning  
Without you on my mind  
So you're gone and I'm haunted  
And I bet you are just fine  
Did I make it that easy  
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?  
So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
I should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do.

 _-Almost Lovers, A Fine Frenzy._

* * *

 _One shot again! What do you think? Don't forget to drop a review_

 _-G_


End file.
